Parents’ Problems in Upbringing Children: a thief from under a stick, a prostitute for a carrot

Parents’ Problems in Upbringing Children: a thief from under a stick, a prostitute for a carrot

The world of people is not good enough without children. Nature has arranged it so that people wish to continue themselves in time, go beyond the given lifetime, and become parents. Our children are our future, a part of us somewhere there, where our ego will not be continued, but where there will be a memory about it. We look into a little face, search and find familiar features. “He’s just like his father” or “she’s her mother’s copy!” It is so pleasant to find something similar in the appearance of a newborn baby. It is so nice to see yourself as a baby again – it feels like another chance to live one more life.

At such moments, few people realize that the baby is a new human being, with completely different mental properties, a different life scenario, a different fate, different from those of his parents and relatives. The obvious similarity of features and forms, our own flesh and blood in a different physical body confuse us, as we expect the likeness of souls that …is not there. It is here where the roots of most problems in children’s upbringing lie. Despite having a total physical resemblance with the parents, the child's mentality can differ completely. The mental structure is not inherited, unlike an eye color or a shape of the nose, nor is it decoded otherwise than through the system of interdependences of eight measures of the unconscious in a single capsule of the living substance.

Who does he take after...

In the majority of cases, the cause of misunderstanding between children and their parents lies in the perception of a child as our copy. How is it possible not to shout at a slow child if the father is used to jumping into his boots by a command? How is it possible not to get furious with such a child? Whom does he take after?… After nobody. He takes after his own psychic properties. And it is important to remember that these properties can develop by the optimal scenario and his slowness is just one side of a very valuable ability to focus, for example. It often happens that the one who was considered a slowcoach throughout all the childhood becomes a big scientist, a poet, or a doctor.

System Vector Psychoanalysis resolves the most acute problems of child mentality and for the first time ever gives each parent a possibility not only to determine their child's mentality from the first days of his life but also to choose an optimal strategy for the child's education and development according to a given by Nature scenario of happiness. Given, but not provided. It is the task of parents, who are not indifferent to their children, to provide the implementation of this programme at a short race before the period of puberty. Time is not waiting. Only what is developed or underdeveloped in the childhood will be realized after puberty (12-15 years). The realization of the underdevelopment features underlies human most unhappy fates.

Yet, you may not care about differences and oppositions, but just bring up your children in the same old way «through yourself». You may not try to understand why the child “makes a lot of fuss about nothing”, what has caused disturbances in his attention and behavior, and make up your own explanations for this: capricious, nervous, and tough. One can find the right answers only through the knowledge of the child's vectorial matrix in the same way as you know your own one. A systematically thinking parent can easily separate a short-term whim from a true desire of the kid. These parents take such desires as seriously as their own ones and they do not get indignant if some event causes a certain reaction. Let us try to examine some typical difficulties in the upbringing of a child through a prism of the eightdimensional mentality.

The child is crying. Do I take him or stroke his back?

The child's cry is an alarm signal for his mother. If there are too many signals, the mother gets nervous, she experiences a strong stress, she can even fall into a depression. What is a child's cry caused by? It is difficult to determine the exact cause in babyhood because the child reacts to any deficiency of food, drink, warmth, security, tenderness by cries and tears. When a baby grows up a bit, the causes of a cry become more apparent as well as the mentality of a child.

Strange as it may seem, in the period from 0 to 1 muscular babies can be the most sorrowful. Besides the usual requirements of all children in food and drink, little musculars feel separation from the intrauterine state, the birth is per se extremely painful for them. One may determine that the cry was a signal of the muscular discomfort by putting a child close in bed. The baby calms down soon and goes to sleep pleased. The muscular baby cries before they are 1 year old, so you simply have to get patient and take measures not to squeeze him in bed.

Tight clothes or wet diapers (pants) are sometimes the cause of a dermal child cry. Such a child has a very sensitive skin, so rash and eruptions are pretty frequent. A dermal baby often asks for uppy. It is insufficient for him to see his mother, as he needs to feel tenderness, and to have tactile contact with her. A dermal baby can be calmed down by a rhythmic stroke on the back, relaxing massage, and a relaxing bath before sleep. The dermal person retains these qualities through all his life.

The child with the anal vector can be calm enough, as he is neither resented by dirty diapers nor wants uppy. But when you start changing his clothes or bathe him, he starts crying. People with the anal vector do not like changes, and there is nothing we can do about it. Just leave the things unchanged: put on his clothes, lay him to the cot and the child will calm down again. A cry can be caused by the excess of events around an anal child, for example, a trip to a hospital, or a friends' house. The atmosphere around such a baby must stay calm and immutable if possible. A familiar toy takes off the child’s stress in a new place.

The child has a bad sleep: Should all people sleep at night?

By the age of two the visual and the audial vectors usually become clear, by the age of three — the oral vector is noticed. The causes of a cry become harder to determine. Dermal-visual children become the biggest criers at this age. Visual fears, the first of which is the fear of the dark, are added to the dermal stress.  A visual child, who has fears, is unwilling to go to bed and sleeps badly at night. Such children usually take it to heart that you try to turn out the light, so you should not do it by force. In fact, the visual fear of the dark is rooted in the fear of death, it is, therefore, very strong and is not so easy to get rid of.

The generators of visual fears are scary fairy tales, where the characters eat each other, and the cartoons with unattractive characters, which unfortunately are numerous today, for example “Scary toys”.

 If the child sleeps badly not only at night, but in the daytime too, the situation is critical. Parents should reconsider the day regimen of their child, avoid watching films, and fill the kid's time with walking and drawing with colored pencils or watercolours without using the black color. You should observe what the child is drawing and offer him positive images of flowers, the sun, and non-predatory animals. Pay attention to reading as well. The classical fairy tales, which are most harmless for an adult, like Moidodyr, can lead to fears of your visual baby.

The uneasy atmosphere in the family can be the cause for the child’s bad sleep. Audial children are affected most of all by noise and the parents' shouting. Quarrels in children’s presence are intolerable. Any child looks for protection in the family, the rows of the parents deprive him of the feeling of safety and lead to a constant stress. Any loud speech is traumatic for a little audial even those without a scandalous component, and he will try to hide into a cot or a cupboard, and close his ears with his hands. So, if you have noticed such a behavior, you should understand that the given amount of the noise is unbearable for your baby. Such children have a very sensitive hearing, particularly at night, so a total silence in the evening and at night is a guarantee for the audial child to have a rest. Please, do provide this possibility to him.

Even too much eating can be the cause for a bad sleep. If the child eats often and a lot, especially, for the night, his sleep will be restless. Such a child cries in hissleep, rotates, and groans.

Little glutton or why the child often eats.

The major concern of mothers and, especially, of grandmothers is how to feed the child. In some families a meal plan is followed, the quality and quantity of food is watched, whereas in other families the snacks and crisps in front of a TV set are common. In the latter example it is hard to notice that the child begins to eat more and more. The parents begin to sound the alarm when a child has already gained overweight. Excessive weight is the indicator of the shortages, which the child is attempting to supplement in the most accessible way – by food. It is the lack of audience for the child with the oral vector.

An oral baby vitally needs to be listened to. He is an inexhaustible fund of stories, he speaks a lot and emotionally, often lies a bit to keep interest of this very listener. Such a babbler can be very tedious, and the parents know that the child's story is often a pure fantasy and simply ignore him. Then the child switches to food, trying to initiate his sensor, which is the mouth.  If the oral child eats too often and gains weight, one needs to give him a possibility to talk out, without expressing irritation or doubt that the story is true.

Excessive meals and, therefore, excessive weight, can become the major problem for a sweet tooth with the anal vector. The parents’ attempts to limit such a child in sweets will not be effective because the baby will try to get what he is deprived of at any convenient chance. For example, as soon as he finds himself at his grandmother's house he will load up with sweets. If a child with the analvector often eats sweets, it means that he lacks praise and attention from his parents. You should compensate this true vectorial shortage and the need for sweets will be reduced to the norm.

A spoiled child: a buy-out instead of happiness.

Raising children in Russia traditionally implies a constant watch on a child before he is grown up. But the duration of the childhood period does not yet mean the quality preparation for the adult life. "Indulge your children, ladies and gentlemen, you do not know what expects them," said the writer Vladimir Nabokov and Russian parents follow this tradition with pleasure.

True desires differ in different vectors, and some of them have already been mentioned above. Let us try to understand systemically what the spoiled child is. This is the unhappy child the true desires of whom have never found satisfaction. The parents invent desires for him themselves and fulfil them themselves. The endless number of toys, the satisfaction of any whim, no restrictions in behavior, and it seems the child should be grateful for such a «paradise». What is the real outcome?

Eternal discontent, whims, hysteria. True desires are never fulfilled, the shortage expands, the child signals about it, he cries, he makes rows, being small he is not able to express what he actually lacks, and it is not so simple even for an adult to understand his true desires. Upbringing of a capricious child is a heavy cross and an ungrateful task. Capricious children turn into capricious adults holding their obstinacy and uniqueness as a flag throughout their entire life. Everybody is in dept to them, they are in debt to nobody.

The demands of a spoiled child increase, and it becomes simply unreal to meet them. So it is the parents' fault that the child gets into the trap of the unlimited consumption and loses a positive future. Intake cannot be unlimited by nature, the price for trying to consume against the law of nature is the absence of happiness. Spoiled, capricious children are the unhappiest ones, as it is distinctly shown in a wonderful French film "Toy". And parents should remember about it when trying to get rid of their child by buying them expensive gifts.

Every spoiled child is unhappy in his own way

It must be the hardest task for a spoiled child with the dermal vector. The true desire of limitation and ban underlies the dermal vector. The realized dermals are the most disciplined ones, they not only easily keep the regimen, but can also discipline others, and become the leaders of a group. In the contemporary society a child with the dermal vector has all the chances for the most wonderful future. Without getting fulfillment of thier true deficiency in the childhood, i.e. without having a notion about the reasonable limitation and ban, such a child is doomed to implement a scenario for a failure.

And so far he is just insane: he is running around without any purpose, grabbing, spoiling, and dragging things, and irritating the adults. Difficulties at school arise. The hyperactive dermal child is not able to concentrate attention, and such children have the most serious problems at school. The teachers complain and parents often start to punish the child by belt. This topic is enormous and the dermal internal mechanisms of protection against pain are complex. At first it even may seem to the parents that whipping «helps», fussing around stops for a while, and the child gets quite. In reality, the protection mechanisms are activated, as a result of which the dermal child becomes a masochist or... a thief. Theft and its variety such as kleptomania are just a response to the strongest dermal stress caused by beating.

Having an understanding of the dermal vector, a literal parent realises that it is not so difficult to get a dermal child disciplined. A dermal child out of discipline prostrates himself. When being in a reasonable limitation system, he is able to move mountains in both studies and a socially useful activity.

The dermal should be motivated for success. He will not study for the sake of the knowledge accumulation (unlike a representative of the anal vector), but he will be happy to do this for some privileges, or for expansion of the territory of what is allowed. It is considered that the dermal must necessarily be encouraged materially: do not praise me, give me a bicycle instead. It's not enough. Moreover, an excessive focus on financial motivation can have negative consequences, especially for girls receiving the experience of using their body as an asset. The dermal wit, the ability to invent something interesting must be necessarily involved in the game and learning process. Attention of dermal children is easily dissipated, skipping from one object to another, so it must be directed into a peaceful course for resolution of adequate tasks, otherwise the dermal child will invent something not very useful.

The use of hyperenergy for peaceful purposes

Lucky we are when we manage to make hyperenergetic dermal children aim at resolution of a simple engineering task, economy of resources, or extraction of some material useful for the society. One can solve such tasks even at the level of a kindergarden nursery group. "Who is the quickest to collect the leaves (berries, garbage)?" "How should we save water (light, gas, matches)?" “Which hamster drinking bowl (fish feeder) is better?" "How to get from point A to point B faster?" Teamwork, excitement, competitiveness – dermal children take to it like a duck to water and there will be the best possible result from such work, which is use and profit for everyone.

When a parent fills true desires of a child, real qualities and properties necessary for the child’s future adult life get developed. No problems of child’s upbringing arise then because the child does not have the motive to make rows, because he gets the fulfillment of his own deficiencies, but not of his parents' ones. When a parent brings up the child through himself, the child’s shortages increase and the ballast of underdevelopment grows, which is impossible to cope with after puberty without crawling into an archetypical state.

One can spoil a child not only with buying expensive things. An inadequate praise can play a negative role for a child with the anal vector. The sense of justice in the anal vector is very strong. When this child understands that his efforts do not correspond to the praise received from the parents, he experiences resentment or guilt, and falls into a stupor. An adequate praise, which corresponds to the expended efforts, is a true deficiency in the anal vector and an excellent stimulus for the development of such a child. Absence of praise leads to apathy in an anal child, and he becomes passive and lazy, which is a common difficulty in the upbringing of anal children.

A stubborn muscular deprived of a possibility to fill his true desire to work becomes a dependant without a joy of life. Though it is difficult to meet a pure muscular today, we must pay attention to this vector. Parents often strive to encourage a strong and quiet child to go in for sports. It is a mistake. Sports are for dermals. Only useful work in a bunch of people and help to their relatives make muscular people really happy. Do not deprive your child of happiness to feel as a strong and reliable assistant, a part of the whole. Even if he seems not so quick to understand everything as other children are, it is not worth shouting at him. Get enough patience to explain it clearly and to show him how to do this, and you will be surprised at the joy the muscular child will join physical work with.

The problems of child psychology are resolved: pamper kids systemically

The volume of the article does not give us a possibility to consider all possible nuances and difficulties of children upbringing with this or that vector set. We focus here only on parents' most frequent mistakes and their consequences.

System-vectorial psychology gives us a possibility to know what to expect in the positive or unfavorable way of the development of a person’s life scenario and to avoid a bad destiny. To pamper and treat a child systemically means to satisfy his true desires, only then will we be able to give him a possibility to develop to the level of an adequate response to any adult life ordeals and to fulfil himself as it is planned in an initially optimal life scenario. Rephrasing Nabokov we can say: "Treat children systemically, ladies and gentlemen, so  that you know what to expect."
 

The author of the article: Irina Kaminskaya, a teacher
Translated by Olga Novikova. Editor: Katerina Pletneva

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The article is based on Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology training
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Posted on: June 7, 2018
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