Darkness of the Soul: an Individual in Depression or Depress

"…A dark man,
Dark dark,
A dark man
Sits on my bed,
A dark man
Disturbs my sleep all night long."
Sergei Yesenin

Sergei Alexandrovich Yesenin wrote this poem shortly before his death. His poetry created later in his life is completely different from what he wrote in his early years. My pregnant fellow student in the university even refused to take a special course about Yesenin’s poetry, because this poem was so depressing…

What happened to Sergei Yeseinin is called suicidal complex by the system thinking and it can be acquired by urethral auditory type individuals. For people with such vector combination it is not depression, but the states that are more serious and unpredictable. Actually suffering auditory vector alone is enough to make a long term depression acquire the tendency of showing insurmountable suicidal aspirations. 

Many of us are prevented from going on with their lives by something…. something awful and unexplainable. It prevents us from smiling, developing normal relationships, just living. Depression. It is a widely used word that means nothing. It does not explain even a part of what really happens. 

I could not understand what happened to me for several years. Sometimes it was so hard…. How can you explain what “hard” means to an ordinary person? It is not tiredness, not physical pain, although traditional psychology considers those symptoms to indicate illness. However, you cannot go to a therapist and ask him to give you a leave from work for a couple of weeks saying that you need to treat your depression…. And the fact that one is really incapable of working, especially if the job is of intellectual nature, is not taken seriously by anyone.

What are the symptoms of depression? There is no will to live. There is no desire for eating, drinking, and breathing. The only desire is to sleep, to hide into unconsciousness from the whole world and for no one to disturb you. You want to live like this forever. You want to never leave your house; you do not want to shake the air pronouncing words. You do not want to be present in this world any longer. 

It is difficult to carry your own body, this thin body that sometimes cannot be ascended by elevator, because it is too heavy for that. It is difficult to carry your soul, although it hardly weighs anything, it is still too difficult to carry it along. It is the senselessness of what is happening around you, your internal vacuum, the Dark Man in a deep voiceless night… It is when you think that you are likely to have schizophrenia not knowing that if you weren’t diagnosed with it earlier, you will never be given such a diagnosis, you are lucky not to have this disease!... When you see someone who is just like you, you can acknowledge the fact that you two are alike, but you do not know WHO HE IS, because you do not know WHO YOU ARE. 

Depression in women is no different than that in men. It just looks differently and…. Let me open a big secret to you, not everyone has depression. Only people with auditory vector do. They are those who spend half of their lives looking for an answer to the main question: WHO AM I? WHERE DID I COME FROM? WHAT AM I HERE FOR? They look for the light at the end of a never ending tunnel of self-knowledge. And they cannot find it. It is like a black point in the heart, the search for that very sense… 

How can we conquer depression without knowing the reasons for its appearance? There is no way to do that.
How can we get the depression in control on our own? Is there an escape out of a severe depression?

Depression is the state when a monster with your eyes looks at you out of the mirror… 

There is always a way out.
Usually there are at least two escapes.
One of them-jumping out of the window-
You will like that one,
If you are at the eighth floor.

Seriously speaking, there are not many people who know ways of conquering depression without knowing certain innate human properties that are the reasons, not the results of this ailment. Real depression treatment is not through antidepressants that slow down the course of this disease, but the realization that leads to freedom from it. 

Very few of us can understand the reasons of depression. Where does it come from and where does it go? People spend their entire lives having it. The only chance to get rid of depression is to discover the reasons for its appearance and to find out how one can free oneself of this condition on one’s own. 

A person with depression suffers incredibly, there is a question that scratches one’s soul, but there is no answer to it! And there is no hope to find this answer… Men and women spend their whole lives fighting depression. Lives without any sense in them lived through with suffering.

I tried many ways of treating depression from the four days of complete inactivity method to all kinds of other methods and auto trainings… And it was only at the first lesson about the auditory vector within the course of vector systems psychology training when I felt the long forgotten relief… 

Can you imagine this feeling, when after spending many years in the musty basement with a small round window through which you could watch the street with nicely dressed free people walking along feeling happy just because the weather is good, laughing at God knows what, and generally living happily, while you are doubled up at the window watching them with bitterness and frustration… Can you imagine how it feels when one day you are able to climb the stairs, open the squeaky door and go free? 

I will never forget this smell, the smell of the happiness of setting myself free… You take a full breath and realize that the air appears to have a taste. When there is no fear, no slavery, no question how to conquer depression and the Dark Man who sits on your bed…