A case in medical practice: The problem child

“Are you here for an appointment?” 

A young girl looked up from her phone, her big eyes flashed a smile. She nodded. The most ordinary girl: height a little below average, regular and rather stocky build, brown, or even light-brown hair, a short denim skirt, a white shirt and a handbag over her shoulder. Her make-up is missing or done very skillfully, and doesn’t stand out.

“Come in.”

The clock on the wall showed exactly 15.00. Prior to the main flow of patients remained another hour. A doctor said to himself,“I could afford to take some clients not by appointment, and her case could turn out to be an interesting one.

After brief necessary formalities we moved on to the issues at hand.

“How can I be of help as a neurologist?” Almost a stock phrase that immediately cuts off complaints about noisy neighbours, a hard bed at night or bad view out of the window.

“Doctor, I have problems with my mother and my child. I was told that you know a new technique that could help me.”

“How old is your child, is he with you?”

My son is 6 year old. I left him in the nursery under supervision.

An open face, sincere, slightly worried look with a soft and gentle smile. Only light wrinkles at the corners of her mouth showed that she was looking forward to this meeting and prepared in advance.

“Sorry to hear that, I would like to have a look at him. Let’s meet with him later on.”

“Yes, of course”, she nodded again.

“Tell me about yourself and your family. Who do you live with? What kind of problems do you have with your mother? What don't you like in your son? I just want to warn you beforehand, it might to be a little disappointing but at least it'll prevent any misunderstandings between us. When parents complain to me about their children or need me to help them to cope with the allegedly abnormal child, in the most cases, they need to be helped and worked on themselves first. Usually children turn out to be all right afterwords.

“I'm aware that not everyone is ready to accept what I'm saying. Usually parents believe that the main problem lies in child, and the cause of all the others is, more or less, in sickness that requires an urgent treatment by a neurologist. Their relatives, neighbours, the people they know keep telling them the same thing. For sure, everything is all right with them since they are parents, adults; they know what everything is about...

“Alas, this is far from being true. I won't comment philistine ideas about education, I'll say, ”Be prepared to hear something that might surprise and even shock you in this office. Yes, it is possible that at first you won't respond to my statements. But, if even for the time of our consultation you take them as certain assumptions, you'll discover a completely new system of coordinates in which there won't be space for conflicts with your mother. And the kid will be incredibly transformed from an unmanageable object of irritation to the source of joy.”

“Yes, of course, I admit that probably there's something wrong with me, and I can make mistakes, I need to sort it all out”, the young woman agreed easily.

“And all the better”, a thought flashed across the doctors' mind, “I think you and l will be able to understand the reasons.”, he spoke aloud.

The woman was quite frank. For several years, she’s been divorced her husband, who practically, divorced them both her and their son - no meetings and contacts at all. Now she lives with her mother and her son. Judging by the key details she gave, the woman didn't have an emotional connection with her ex-husband. He was busy making money and nothing else interested him, except, perhaps, for 'The Comedy Club' in the evening. The marriage was once contracted by natural attraction, but three years later it fell apart. In order to remain a couple some efforts were required from both of them. The birth of the child didn't strengthen the marriage. The statistics of crumbling family institution gained another sad case.

We didn't go deep into details of the relationship that had had their day. There was neither time nor wish for the additional questions from her. According to a representing hieroglyph I could guess about the anal vector that presupposes quite a powerful libido. It confirmed the primary diagnosis later during the interview.

In her case there clearly wasn't sufficient fulfilling of some natural vectorial aspirations. In general, it isn't surprising: living with her mother and a little child isn't very conducive to build new relationships, especially from its beginning. She probably couldn’t make up for her sexual desires the way a male would, but the desires won’t disappear by themselves.

So what about the relationships with her mother? The doctor made her portrait according to the descriptive phrases: "But I told you! What were you thinking when you got married? Listen to seniors, because I'm a mother, I wish you well!", the young woman’s face showed a very ambiguous and sound range of feelings.

”She’s unbearable! We constantly argue, she blames everything on me. For her, it is always my fault!”, she blurted out, after a moment of surprise.

“Does she make you feel guilty?”

“Yeah, right, she said. And after a short pause, a surprised smile was added to a subtle expression of annoyance.

The scenario generally was clear, though our conversation lasted not longer than a quarter of an hour. We didn't address to the issue of the child yet. Firstly, it was necessary to deal with the image of the mother and to understand the nature of her accusations.

Three of them live together: mother, her 6-year-old son and his grandmother. The mother is at work all day long. The boy is constantly at home, alone with his grandmother. For a while, the kid had been attending kindergarten. Then, probably, the problems began to appear, and his grandmother's anal-visual rationalizations outweighed. Mom agreed pretty easily that to stay at home under the supervision would be better. All of this was told indirectly but became clear in our discussion. Only occasionally there was a need to clarify some meanings.

With a few strokes, a portrait of the mother was shaped, apparently, she had the same vectorial set as her. The reaction of the daughter to every remark about her mother confirmed this profound recognition.

“I thought about something like that, so everything you say is correct. And, you know, at some points I recognize myself, we're alike, as you just mentioned, except for my life is fuller, I love my job and I'm respected, and she has none of that.”

But there was another question, very important to the woman. And it was about her son. Only she was a little too embarrassed to ask. I had to remind her that our time was limited.

After a short pause, as if something floated to the surface from inside of the woman, she looked a little embarrassed saying, “He pokes his fingers at my face.”

Her gaze was focused on the face of the doctor, and it was easy to read thoughts as if they were written, in big letters, “What is he going to say, how would he react, what might think of this ridiculous complaint? He somehow, exactly described my mother. I can, without hesitation, ask him other questions. Maybe he can tell me something interesting about my son?

The doctor needed some details that can be provided when people fully trust each other. At such times, a person’s face automatically takes a flat expression of approval, which says, "Go ahead, no risks to be reproached or ridiculed."

“He constantly provokes me, tousles my hair, pokes his fingers at the eyes, it’s very painful by the way, in the ears; he bites, licks and slobbers me. When I'm talking to someone, he interferes and demands to be heard. He is very active, agile and uncontrollable. I tell him, "Stop, do not poke your fingers at your mother’s face, it's rude , I do not like it!" And he, as if on purpose continues on doing it even more. He drives his grandmother and me mad”, she spouted, apparently, the main problem with her son.

Is there anything special about it? People usually don't pay attention to these things. For a psychologist, or, especially, a neurologist there is no a reason for any action. These complaints will be ignored at best, and, at worst, will force the mother with such absurdities to feel embarrassed at the consultation.

However, the problem has an adequate explanation. And most importantly, there is a solution. Only the woman must come to it herself. And it can be done in the best way at Yuri Burlan`s System-Vector Psychology training. I need some way to wake up a desire, to give hope to the young woman, because there is a whole life ahead of her, her sincere wide open eyes look for their fulfilment, and she is bound to get it! You just need to help her to reach out in the right direction, where everything rests and waits for her, just get it, carry away as much as she can take...

Taking into consideration all that she told about her son, the boy is a clear bearer of the dermal vector. It was easy to explain some typical behavioural situations. The accuracy of the doctor's explanations struck the young mother so much when she learned about behaviours of her son, that the recommendations on his education - to practice adequate stimulation and prohibition in general were listened to very carefully. Obviously, the doctor managed to make her trust him. And there was a genuine desire to immediately put these recommendations into practice. Eventually it was already a certain result, but at the same time there was something left unsaid.

“Please, bring you child when my day will be finished. I want to take a look at him and get to know a bit. We might have missed something.”

“Of course, I'll bring him. I’m not saying goodbye”, she closed the door behind her when leaving.

In a couple of hours the last patient was carefully reading through recently made recommendations, closed the door and left. It was time to bring in order my daily records, and go home.

There was a door knock and the boy, flinging it open, boldly stepped into the room ahead of his mother. Lively quizzical glance. Fast, but adequate moves. When he saw the doctor stood put in the middle of the office staring at him with a somewhat suspicious smile, then with a searching look quickly assessed the situation. His mom gently sat down on the edge of the couch.

“Hey, who are you?”, was the first question of the doctor.

“Alex.”

The look clearly was cunning but a good-natured smile somehow concealed it. His eyes were shifty.

There was a pause. The boy was stared at, and the doctor looked at him as if he was looking through, inspecting with his eyes. Any adult at least would be embarrassed.

Judging by the boy's behaviour you could tell that he has already dealt with people in white coats, and unlikely, his experience was fearful. But now the situation might be a little bit strange to the child. Some man gazes at him, mother just sits and says nothing, nothing happens. However it feels safe. One can freely explore the window, the wardrobe and other items. The kid went around the office, seeing the doctor out of the corner of his eye. From time to time he would open his mouth wide in my direction, as if by accident, showing his teeth with tongue sticking out a little.

“Do you have friends?”

“Yeaaaaaah”,he drawled”

“Can you count?”

“Yes.”

He opened his mouth wide again and struggled to show all his teeth.

“What's the highest number can you count to?

In response, the boy began briefly counting without interruptions and was ready to count until dinner. There was no extra time so we had to stop such an exciting experience.

“Come here, open your mouth and show me your tongue.” The routine request of any regular pediatrician should meet no rejection.

He stuck out his tongue as far as he only could. You could see playful sparks dancing in his eyes. 

“Do you obey your mom?”

He made a grimace that simultaneously expressed all his mixed feelings to the world and the mother, who was was the main reason for his existence in it. After that he made an angry face, grinned at me again, but couldn't stand my gaze, and turned away. He stepped back to the mother, climbed into her lap, put his arm around her neck and kissed her in a cheek with his mouth wide open. The mother made no effort to push her son aside. The son leaned back, aiming and poked his finger at his mother's left eye, then poked the right one twice, and opened his mouth to either kiss or bite, and pressed it to the mother’s cheek.

“He does it on purpose, trying to make me mad”, the woman said in exasperation pushing him away. Sometimes he is unbearable, doesn't let me rest for a minute, and behaves like an animal.

“Animal! Mom is an animal”, repeated the boy a bit louder with the same sly expression on his face, ready to sprinkle with laughter.

“Do you punish him?”

“Well, sometimes I have to spank him. What else can I do if he doesn't understand?

“Do you beat him?”

“Well, she sounded, a little guilty, “more often I simply swear at him.”

“Do you really swear at him?"

One could hear alert in the voice.

“Well, not at him exactly, but hastily I could swear in his presence, but how else?”

“Whom else does he hear swear words from?”
The interest could not be hidden, the situation developed according to a classic scenario.

”Well, from the grandmother is much more often, and well, from me too”,mother said a little surprised by the doctor’s attention to such trifles.”

Again there was a pause in the office. For sure, time is needed to comprehend such information 

“I’m gonna eat you”, the boy said aloud breaking the silence, and again gently hugged his mother, snuggled up to her with all his body and kissed. Then he turned in my direction, slipped from the mother's lap and began to wander around the room, glancing at her playfully , then at the doctor, opening his mouth wide and baring his teeth. When doing so, he watched closely the reaction of both.

“He is just asking for it, and I can't help it, I can only calm down when reprimand him, she kind of went on explaining why she allowed herself to swear in presence of her son.

The whole picture was suddenly distinct, clear and complete, as if it came out of shade. Now the main question was how to convey the essence of the relationship of a 6-year-old son and a mother without causing shock to the last, without losing her trust and justify recommendations.

“I know it's wrong“, she added apologetically.

“It's not the case. I don't think it is possible to completely uncover the relationship with the child and the reasons of your displeasure. He provokes you as you see it, but just don't understand why and what for. You don't know what feelings arise in his psyche when he hears the closest people cussing.

“A child unconsciously forms the most intimate psychological bond with his mother, so the sense of safety and protection, he also gets only from her. In this case, the child’s development goes adequately which provides him with the sense of balance in the surrounding environment. The proper development also involves the gradual acquisition by a child of cultural achievements of mankind. Today, all of us have a fairly weighty cultural superstructure, which plays a key role in limiting our primary ancient desires, especially hostile ones.
In some sense, obscene language is the reverse side of the cultural experience accumulated for thousands of years , so its words destroy the cultural layer, deprive a child of conditions in which his psychic can acquire adequate development. When a mother curses, the back side of the culture prevents the child, at first, to acquire cultural skills (it explains why he can like a little 6 year old animal poke his fingers at people's faces) And, secondly, inadequate development does not create the sense of balance with the environment causing a loss of the sense of safety and protection expressed as aggression and provocation.

There is a tiny chance that you can stop forever swearing and be angry with your child. Especially when he actively provokes, scratches the face, pokes indiscriminately fingers at the eyes, doesn't listen to your words. Here you just need nerves of steel and a hell of patience. And, it is quite rare when people posses those qualities otherwise we wouldn't have this conversation.

But there is a solution. To realize what's going on with you and your child as fully as possible and to actually understand both the reasons of your behaviour and your child's reaction is all possible at Yuri Burlan`s System-Vector Psychology Training. You'll achieve natural and permanent results, your emotional outbursts and uncontrollable reactions will simply disappear. You'll be surprised how quickly your balanced state affect the child. You can participate in the training for your son's and your sake. And, certainly, as a side effect, your relationships with the mother will improve.”

“I really want it.”, the young mother brightened up, “I'm already interested. It's so important for me.”

“So, let's sum up. Do you think that we have come to an understanding that the child doesn't need to be treated by a neurologist for whatever he has? And, moreover, he doesn't need any medication. Even if my colleagues happen to, particularly in cases like yours, insist on correcting behaviour, I'd recommend against following their persuasions, at least until you understand basic things about yourself, your child and mother at the training. After you finish the course, I assure you,you won't need additional consultations at all.

“Thank you. I'll work on it”, the face of the young woman was displaying the full trust in my words, “I didn't want to give him any pills. Of course, I don't think he is sick, but I really need to become aware of what is wrong with him and how we can change his behaviour. Today I heard a lot of new information, none of the doctors have ever told me such things before. And I will try to do my best!”

The child saw his mother moving towards the door and rushed to it first, then stopped and looked back for a second.